Funny Stuff Thread.... to loosen your day
- Thread starter swimmerXC
- Start date
- Status
solarz
Brigadier
broadsword
Brigadier
London Cab driver
A London cab driver's answer to a Muslim's logic:
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because
as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen
to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music
- especially Western music, which is the music of the infidels.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab,
and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet, there were no
taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel."
A London cab driver's answer to a Muslim's logic:
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because
as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen
to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music
- especially Western music, which is the music of the infidels.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab,
and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet, there were no
taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel."
Miragedriver
Brigadier
Some funny sayings to put a smile on your face:
1) 'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'
2) 'My friend used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.'
3) 'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
4) 'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'
5) 'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'
6) 'If you want to know what God thinks of power, just look at the people he gave it to.'
7) 'I don't like rap music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like rap music, denigrate means 'put down'’.
I will now get back to bottling my Malbec
1) 'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.'
2) 'My friend used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.'
3) 'I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
4) 'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.'
5) 'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.'
6) 'If you want to know what God thinks of power, just look at the people he gave it to.'
7) 'I don't like rap music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like rap music, denigrate means 'put down'’.
I will now get back to bottling my Malbec
AssassinsMace
Lieutenant General
Runaway... Runaway...
[video=youtube;pfLCb4ewDDc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfLCb4ewDDc[/video]
[video=youtube;pfLCb4ewDDc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfLCb4ewDDc[/video]
Equation
Lieutenant General
broadsword
Brigadier
Joan Rivers' 12 best jokes
8:10 AM Friday Sep 5, 2014
Joan Rivers was fearless. Or, to be more accurate, a humourist who fearlessly spun fears into gold.
They were golden, Rivers' potshots, put-downs and zingers - often aimed at herself - that mocked a world of vanities, foolishness and, yes, fear.
"The trouble with me is, I make jokes too often," she said in 2013. "That's how I get through life. Life is SO difficult - everybody's been through something! But you laugh at it, it becomes smaller."
She was known as acerbic or even cruel, but often there was bitter honesty in the humour, and anyway her targets were big enough to take it.
Here are 12 of her best jokes:
1. On Elizabeth Taylor's obesity: "Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
... she was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her. She's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins.
2. On Paris Hilton's sex tape: "When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film ... in a Marriott hotel."
3. On David Gest: "I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn't sleep with other women."
4. On her love of cosmetic surgery: "I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."
5. On Renee Zellweger: "All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window."
6. On Madonna: "Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit."
7. On James Cameron's Titanic: "If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk."
8. On supermodel Cindy Crawford: "You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell 'mum' backwards."
9. On Michael Jackson: "The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?
10. On UK singer Adele: "I met Adele! What's her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add 'fried chicken'."
11. On her appearance at the Emmys: "I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for "Best Special Effects."
12. On planning her own funeral: ""At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."
8:10 AM Friday Sep 5, 2014
Joan Rivers was fearless. Or, to be more accurate, a humourist who fearlessly spun fears into gold.
They were golden, Rivers' potshots, put-downs and zingers - often aimed at herself - that mocked a world of vanities, foolishness and, yes, fear.
"The trouble with me is, I make jokes too often," she said in 2013. "That's how I get through life. Life is SO difficult - everybody's been through something! But you laugh at it, it becomes smaller."
She was known as acerbic or even cruel, but often there was bitter honesty in the humour, and anyway her targets were big enough to take it.
Here are 12 of her best jokes:
1. On Elizabeth Taylor's obesity: "Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
... she was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her. She's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins.
2. On Paris Hilton's sex tape: "When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film ... in a Marriott hotel."
3. On David Gest: "I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn't sleep with other women."
4. On her love of cosmetic surgery: "I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."
5. On Renee Zellweger: "All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window."
6. On Madonna: "Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit."
7. On James Cameron's Titanic: "If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk."
8. On supermodel Cindy Crawford: "You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell 'mum' backwards."
9. On Michael Jackson: "The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?
10. On UK singer Adele: "I met Adele! What's her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add 'fried chicken'."
11. On her appearance at the Emmys: "I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for "Best Special Effects."
12. On planning her own funeral: ""At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."
broadsword
Brigadier
- Status