Good, Clean Jokes

Hopefully this joke is acceptable….

Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women. Sure, maybe there wouldn't be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone. But instead, we'd have a bunch of jealous countries that aren't talking to each other.



I will now get back to bottling my Malbec

And a good fight it was.

Q: What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
A: Utter destruction! !!!!

Q: How many goals did Germany score?
A: A Brazilian.


I will now get back to bottling my Malbec

Two men applied for the same job for an engineering position at a refinery. Both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to first man and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the second man for the job." The first man asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct.

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

The first man asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Its like this. On question #4 the second man put down; "I don't know."

You put down, "Neither do I."


I will now get back to bottling my Malbec

Miragedriver said:

"Its like this. On question #4 the second man put down; "I don't know."

You put down, "Neither do I."

Click to expand...

Hehehe...that's a good one, Mirage.

In fact, all of them are good. Thanks guys!

Here's another:

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Two renowned scientists at one of the most prestigious research institutes in the nation were having a discussion in a lab about what each of them felt the most important and amazing discovery in human history was.

The first shared his thoughts with his collegue, "The most important discovery for mankid was clearly splitting the atom. The potential for energy and the understanding of quantum science that it has opened up is immeasurable."

The second scientist, not to be outdone, countered, "Well, that was indeed very important, but before that, mankind's discovery of electricty and putting it to practical use was even more important. Think of the good it has done, and how it allowed all of mankind to progress."

As they were condiering their answers, the old janitor who had been cleaning that lab for over 20 years, and who had gone unnoticed by the two men, stopped what he was doing and decided to share his own thoughts on the matter.

Suprising the two scientists, he said, "Well, I don't know all de' things you're talkin' about, but I know what I think de' most amazin' thing is."

The two scientists looked at each other with razed eyebrows, and the first scientist asked, "Okay, I'll bite. Alex, what do you think the most amazing discovery in human history has been?"

The janitor replied, "Why it gots to be de' Thermos."

Incredulously, the second scientists asked, "The Thermos? Seriously, Alex? All it does is keep something either hot or cold."

To which the janitor sagely replied, 'Yea, professor, that's right. But you tell me 'dis...just how do it know?"

Ooops.. sorry it wasn't a joke.

It reminds me of the tabloid headline my friends and I read at the cash register line that said, "Bum's stinky feet kills three." My friends and I could not stop laughing.

Assassin...sounds like some Exeter University Professers have too much time on their hands...and too much public monies. But you never know. Brings a whole new meaning to the term, Homiopathic Treatment. LOL!

Here's another one:

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An elderly, retired U.S. Navy non-comm called out to his wife early one morning.

"Honey, come here. You've got to see this. I just finished my abstract project depicting President Obama's first six years in office.

His wife sighed, and then replied.

"Not now honey. Just flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast."

(Hehehe...feel free to substitute your least favorite politican into this joke.)

Here's a joke today from reddit:

A woman awakes in the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Panda!











Panda inverted.

Bltizo said:

Here's a joke today from reddit:

A woman awakes in the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"
"I remember that, too" she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

Click to expand...

LOL!

Not one to share with the wife.

Nor would I have any reason to...I just know she would not be amused. It's a "guy" joke I suppose.