Good, Clean Jokes

Okay, this thread is for jokes. But only good, clean, funny jokes.

- No bad language.
- Nothing diry.
- No sexual content.
- Nothing racial or bigoted.

I will start if off:

A couple married many years joke said:

When people are happily married for a long time...like decades...a couple of things that may seem contradictory happen.

1st, they get on the same wave length. They know each other so well that they know what they are going to say or do in many circumstances.

2nd, sometimes they are not as attentive to one another as they once were, say when they were dating or engaged.

Let me give you an example:

A man and a woman who have been married almost 40 years were sitting up in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. The man had just finished watching a show, and the woman was reading a book.

The man said:

"What did you say?"

The wife turned to him, a little perplexed, and said:

"Uh, I didn't say anything."

The man said:

"Really, I could have sworn I heard you say something."

The woman says to him:

"Well, I was thinking something about you as you turned off the TV."

The husband says:

"Really...what, am I reading your thoughts now?"

His wife responds.

"Wow...maybe. What did I think?"

The man then replies:

"I don't know...I wasn't listening."

Click to expand...

LOL!

I'm not sure if this one violates the clean jokes prime directive...

Keeping with the same topic of non-listening spouses:

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”


She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”




I will now get back to bottling my Malbec

Miragedriver said:

Keeping with the same topic of non-listening spouses:

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”

She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

I will now get back to bottling my Malbec

Click to expand...

Hehehe...LOL!

That was good.

If a man says something out in the wilderness...100 miles from the nearest woman...is he still wrong?

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

kwaigonegin said:

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel. The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.

Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!"

"Is it the President?" asked the chief.

"No! Even more important!"

"Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief.

"I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

Click to expand...

I lol'd at this one.

Jeff Head said:

If a man says something out in the wilderness...100 miles from the nearest woman...is he still wrong?

Click to expand...

LOL…. I believe the answer in no. It is like to old saying that a Marriage is comprised of two people. One that is always right and a husband.

A kind old Priest, a Boy Scout and Barack Obama were flying together in a small aircraft. The Priest was the pilot, and they were flying at 10,000 ft.

All of a sudden, the airplane shuddered, the engine stopped, and the aircraft began to dive. The Priest indicated that the aircraft had failed and they were going to crash.

The could find only two parachutes in the aircraft.

The Priest said, "My friends, I have led a good life. I am comfortable with it. You two take the two parachutes."

Barack Obama said, "Thank you Father...I was going to indicate that as President of the United States and with so many critical responsibilities, that I would certainly be needing one of the parachutes in any case."

The Boy Scout said, "Well, I have always been taught to help others. But Father, I know you help a lot of people every single day...and you help them with their souls. I really think you should take one of those chutes too."

Barack Obama replied to the Boy Scout, "Son, that may be true, but I need one of those parachutes, so you both need to give me one, and then the two of you decide who gets th other."

The Boy Scout said, "All right Mr. President, if you feel that you absolutely have to have one, take mine."

The President leaned over, took it from the Boy Scout, strapped it on, and immediately jumped out of the aircraft.

The Priest said, "My boy, that was amazingly generous of you, but I am going to have to insist now that you take that other parachute and save yourself.

To which the Boy Scout replied, "Oh...you don't have to worry Father. The President just took my backpack and jumped out of the airplane. There's a chute for each of us."

(Or, replace Barack Obama with your least favorite politician).